I am on day 4 of a hangover. A classic slip-up, a party between friends but mostly new acquaintances, where I was flooded by social anxiety and drank way too much, non-stop even, until 4 am. So I am still hungover, questioning everything, raw, exposed, compromised, and worried for my mental and emotional health. I know I must do things to keep up with my life but the down-pull of depression is hard to escape. Today I am here to dump my thoughts onto the page, to be revisited and addressed later.

I am terribly fat. So fat that I am afraid to get onto a scale. Fatter than I have ever been before. I must stop myself and deal with it, before it becomes a permanent part of me and my personality. I can barely cross my legs, barely fit any of my clothes. I dread the mirror and am full of denial about this. I want to be thin and strong and sexy and yet I have been doing nothing about it. Instead I lose myself in food, my only pleasure.

I am very unhappy. The only love in my life I have because of my kids. We love each other very much. My husband and I do not. I don’t even really like him anymore. Yet, I am completely dependent and cannot see myself leaving the marriage, putting my own unhappiness ahead of my that of the kids, of having a family, together, with both parents under the same roof. Would they too be happier apart, knowing that both parents have the chance to be happy, too? Who even knows. He is gone enough with work that who knows if it would even make a difference to have two houses. Are we able to be happy together when we are both home? This remains to be seen. I do know that I have been projecting a lot onto him. So either I am right and there is no chance of sharing the same house with him, all together as a family, or there is a chance, if only I change my own behaviour and expectations. That remains to be seen – perhaps I should make this an experiment of Lent.

Lent is a time for fasting, reflection, imagining, projecting. It is a time for listening to ones self, ones soul, ones spirit. I must be intentional, decide to listen, to focus, and to meditate. Stripping away, finally, the addictions I’ve carried along with me forever. This time also leaving this last one of food behind, too. I think I can but now I know more than ever that one cannot strip everything bad away without replacing it with the good. It’s like jumping without a parachute, left to scream and plummet to the death. No thank you, this is not healing. Now I must learn to replace this self-abuse with care. Maybe that is why it has remained such a difficult task to complete as it required a commitment to self-care. Without this, perhaps it is just another form of self-punishment to not have these vices that I once enjoyed, at least. They were not, are not, good for me, yet I still enjoy them. Aha! This is something to really consider – I’ve punished myself for my punishments! I have taken away the things that I have punished myself with for years – the booze, the cannabis, the cigarettes – not as an act of love but as yet another form of punishment. You cannot have nice things because you cannot handle them!!! Imagine!!! Now, I must embrace an entire paradigm shift to say that actually I cannot have these things because they are not good for me. I give myself good food and take on habits that are good for me, for my body and spirit. I love myself and therefore I take care of myself. How revolutionary!!!

Today I remembered a story that I have told myself often, over the years. As a young girl, I got in trouble for playing with the kittens in the barn on the farm on which we lived. Today, for the first time, I asked myself why I had remembered this. I think it struck me deeply as I was punished for doing something so pure and natural and joyous, playing with a litter of kittens. No, I do not deserve to be joyous and playful, I am inherently wrong in doing so. Perhaps this is the message that I received and carried with me for so many years. It bubbled up again today. What messages have a sent to my own children without knowing and now, how do I fix the damage??

Oh my oh my, day 4 of a hangover is a big one. At least I am taking time to examine. I hate drinking and hate being in situations in which I feel like I want to drink, even need to drink to survive them. I can take care of myself. I can prepare for the work I have. I can change. I can, I can.

Over a year or so ago I remember realising that I wanted to be one of those people that was so far evolved that I never even had the desire to drink or do anything else. I imagined that life being so far in the rear view mirror that it seemed like lifetimes ago. I still today think that is the way for me. It has been confirmed this past weekend. Can these lovely people be my friends without the drink? Perhaps. We will see. It lies with me, having made the decision not to drink. Can I be in friendships in which drinking is a major lubricator? That is the question. But for now, I am happy to have the decision made that this path to sobriety is still for me. Now I want more than ever to be kind and loving to my self, to assure myself that yes it is ok to be joyful and playful, to be me.

Now, if only I could partition my time in a way that helps me to create this life that I want. Time to exercise, stretch, sit, be, lay, sleep. These seem to be all tied together. Then, time to work, perhaps a little bit more, but in a way that really flows, naturally. Then, finally, or perhaps my priorities need some adjustments, then time to create. To paint, to think, to write, to just be in the flow of creation, to be there in communion with myself and the universe. These points are now out and on paper – to be reviewed and considered. I will ruminate, ponder, accept, integrate and then plan. Oh the planning. I have surrendered to the being and look forward – without anticipation but with knowing that the time will come – to planning. First I must feel that I am no longer chasing my own tail but am walking confidently yet slowly and even quietly in the direction of my dreams, as is said. I wish to be balanced, feeling good inside my skin. Full of knowledge, my power, yet humble and open to the possibilities that will fall on the pathway in front of me.