At Royal Kids, the indoor play park, I sit in my noise cancelling headphones, kid size of course, leftover from the music festival where, as it turned out, you could rent them for a fiver. I sit here, depressed and a bit stoned, to be honest. These last two days have really taken it out of me. Aristide runs up, and asks me for money, two euros. They always have a bit of add on at these places, to really test your limits as parents, and to commodify everything. Oh how fun, but I easily say no. I had to practice with him earlier, saying no at least a hundred times when he asked if he could have his candy now instead of having to wait in the car. I should have just said that it was a motivator for him to hurry up and get ready, as he seems to take the longest. But then he did a little Broadway show for me to make me smile. It was quite surprising, but I loved it. I loved him. I just hope he doesn’t feel responsible for my feelings like I did for my mother. I mean, I likely do this seeing as that is what I learned.

I will have to examine this closer. One of the main things I like about using cannabis is that it really helps me to have a look at myself. I think that for a long time I have been disconnected from myself. Very, very disconnected. Drinking definitely added to that, and cannabis seems to help me to reverse that. One of the main attractions to this plant must’ve historically been that it aids with the feeling of enlightenment of the spirit. That’s the high, if you tune into it. Sure, it makes things funny too, but also clear, like if you have had a problem you are trying to sort out and need to tap into your feelings, it can really help. It should be used in moderate doses, though. You don’t want to just be escaping everything all the time by getting so stoned instead of just high.

The trauma that surrounds us weighs so heavy on how we deeply feel about ourselves, and colours our actions, interactions, and reactions to other people. Now this situation seems to challenge me so deeply that I feel that I must release generations of trauma of all kinds. I am truly broken down now. I ask God for no more, please. I don’t mean to be selfish, I know that there is much senseless suffering in the world, and at much more importance and at greater scale, but I am hurting, and I want to do better, and I want to heal. Please, no more, for now. I know that my strength is dependent on you but at ask you to please test me no further.

I release my prayer and trust that things will turn out as they are meant to be. I have already learned why Réglisse had to go, to teach many lessons: to show us how to grieve as a family, to bring death to our doorstep and make real what had happened so far away, and to show us how lucky we are to have every moment alive. Also, maybe to brak me wide open. The third eye injury wasn’t enough, well, it definitely was enough at the time, and plenty. But lest not forget, the seizure. It was Chinese New Year, I remembered today, when I was wearing bright red leather ballet flats while walking outside on the dark gravel. Why not a little poppy coloured brightness? Why not? Seemed audacious even, on a sad day like today. But as the one bird passed over, signing sorrow on his way, along came joy with sorrow and together they would stay.

Oh and by the way, I caved and bought the jetons for the bumper cars, one ride for each. I bought twelve for ten euros and the bartender threw in a lucky thirteen for free.