As simple as that, she felt us, she left us. How strange it is to write these words, what a strange relief. Now I feel terrible guilt. But to recognise them is to help the feelings to be seen and heard and then go away. They are not destined to become part of our hardwiring, like before. For now, we will make new memories, new patterns of being, so that our children and our loved ones know that it’s ok. It’s ok to have feelings, to feel them. Yes it is hard, and sad, and difficult. Life is not always easy. Why do we think we must live without suffering? Why have we been sold this American Dream? The trappings of consumption have sold us the lie that to have the perfect life is possible, if only we buy the newest and best, next thing. But that is all for now on that topic. I must stay rooted in the moment here.

Once in a lifetime you die. To be able to be a part of that transformation is a gift. We have been here – to be present, to hold space, to participate in that transition – and it was a gift to know when it was coming. I will have my mother with me forever, for we are the keepers of the story, the chaplain reminded me. She was there, when I came out of the room where mom was, and she was the only person I asked to see. No more medical people. Just me and Mom and God.

I will write more later, as for now I must be present.